Home

There’s something scary about making progress, however big or small, after identifying for so long with suffering and overcoming hardship after hardship, where I would be in situations of barely hanging on and forcing myself to get through the night in order to keep up, believing truthfully that I deserved the struggles for who I was before. I’m beyond grateful(I know I use that word a lot) for the reconnection to what I’ve been missing: presence. It’s not a simple or perfect process of instilling the practice to bring your attention back to the moment again and again, when the moment is filled with overwhelming emotion. However, over time the repetition to the response to these moments transforms over time into a new lifestyle and experience within the entire body that reflect a relationship to the self that is based out of love.

Unfortunately, there were people there, reaching out and because I remained in the same cycles, the symptoms restricted me from being in the present moment where I could feel the love and support all around. I wish I didn’t have to keep going through these cycles and climbing seemingly impossible mountains, but in the end, maybe it really could be the last time of pursuing inner peace and freedom, a home within, and a heart full of faith. I hold close the ones who’ve been here from the very beginning, the ones who’ve come and gone, the ones just getting to know the complicated me, and the ones I haven’t gotten to know yet. We can always replant, replenish, refuel, grow, blossom, and enjoy the sun. Home is in the heart and home is wherever you go.

One thing I know for sure, home doesn’t always require an address, a spot on the block, a parking space at the office, a person, an animal, an outfit, or possibly a hospital/treatment center. Rather, home is not allowing the things around that try to keep you down infiltrate the opportunities and lessons that are offered by taking a breath, and fighting through the noise that is obstructing the beauty. I understand there is pain, I understand I have to suffer, I understand that accepting help is strong, and falling down is inevitable, but at least I get to choose my perspective and interaction with the process of going through all of that, and coming back to the real me.

Ultimately, home means something different to everyone and shifts throughout our lives, but I know that deep down we all require essential feelings to be guided towards universal needs and desires. Amongst all the different times I’ve moved around, one thing that’s kept me going is the voice inside that has waited to be listened to and taken seriously, quietly observing and waiting for her time. Now it’s her time. The time where I am safe inside my body to the extent of being able to be every part of me. I may not resemble who I thought I was but I do know it’s a constant trial and error of breathing, getting back to the moment, and taking part in every part of what really matters(at least to me): community, connection, creation, faith, peace, presence, intention. Whatever really matters to you is truly up to you, just take the chance to get to know the person inside who is waiting for its turn to be free.