Tick Tock

With music playing to drown out the hallway of beeps and alarms that endlessly ruminate, I stared at the clock on the wall at the end of my hospital bed, seeing time go by second after second. I wondered, what life would be like if I wasn’t waiting every night for the day to be over, overwhelmed by admitting this is my life right now. But, the truth I’ve forgotten to incorporate is that this is just for now. Actually, tomorrow I will discharge home, to follow up with more care but in the comforts of life with the pups and family. I wish it was as simple as recovery is all figured out, I’ve completely healed, and know exactly what the days ahead will look like. Of course, I’ve written in my journal and typed away all the details of a daily routine and how I’m going to get through this. Unfortunately, it’s not that simple. In actuality the healing has just began.

For the last two months, I sat in this chair situated next to all my belongings, with a window seeing out to a roof, some trees, and the distant lake, skies and light, drawing the days away and writing to keep my mind quiet, trying my best to stay occupied in a body and mind that aches. Offering refuge to an enclosed life, excitement was rooted in simple coffee runs down in the lobby, a few minutes outside, or gifting staff w as a way to say thank you. Although it bothers me knowing how much world I’ve been cut off from, I am reminded that this isn’t life for me. I could easily protect my heart and lie about the life I think might happen or could be, but deep down, I realize there is much more out there waiting to be experienced. And, that’s what I fight for. I don’t fight for the looks of my body to be the deciding factor of my happiness. Because if I can be me, my body will follow. If it lets me run, dance, walk, breathe, and even cry, I know that’s enough. Why is it enough? Because it could be so much worse? I’m lucky my body has put up with me for all this time. Rather than waiting for it to fail, I want to give it a real chance to be a part of something bigger. A part of something that means seconds aren’t rushed. They are cherished and appreciated because I’m blessed with all that surrounds.

For someone that usually spends little time on my phone, naturally avoiding the endless scrolling through others lives projected onto a screen as they want it to seem, I’ve realized how much social media has influenced the minds of both strangers and loved ones. It has the possibility of presenting countless paths that encourage status and appearance to represent who we are. When in reality, who we are depends on alignment with our beating hearts and dreaming minds. To be curious instead envious, to be proud instead of disheartened, to be challenged but not forced, I’ve decided that my heart belongs to the gifts of the now. But, I can’t have this chance without a conscious choice to be free. Free from all the noise that says this or that about who I am. I am me as I am, and I will continue to be me despite the doubt and fear of what others think and believe. That is what I fight for now, instead of latching on to the obsession of success defined by unfair standards and expectations, especially those of others who don’t even know me. I am me. If you don’t believe in who I am that is perfectly fine with me. And I hope the pain of each second makes you fight too for what really matters: peace, love, light and truth, together.