Human
Originally I wrote this as a note to self, but I think everyone could use this message:
It’s been over a month that I’ve been at the hospital, confined mostly to a bed and chair with slow progress(still progress) on walking independently, a window to oversee the world outside waiting for me to heal, the summer air inviting me to endure, all while receiving an endless amount of love from the staff here, as well as, all the friends and family that have stuck by my side through it all. Still, I honor that sometimes it’s tempting to place such unfair expectations on our hearts to endure more than necessary as a way to feel superior and powerful or less of a burden by not asking for help, believing life is meant to do by ourselves but, where does that ultimately leave us? Alone, desperate, defeated, hopeless, burnt out, instead of strong, supported, and meaningfully connected to our own personal mission. This is not what was meant for us and I think deep down we all know that. We grow together, not because we aren’t strong individually, but rather because a seed needs water and support through the whole art of becoming.
At first when I became coherent enough to know what had happened, the thoughts swirled around furiously and completely ruthlessly, creating an unbearable relationship with the present. I asked myself over and over again, how could I let this happen? Even though I had no control over having a seizure while in treatment trying to get help before things spiraled, a sense of desperation was ignited by an inner desire to finally be “cured” and moving forward, never looking back. But, maybe I should be asking instead why I place such a standard upon my shoulders while others are allowed to make countless mistakes at the sake of other’s lives. Especially knowing my heart has always been in it for others, I know this needed to be questioned and changed.
So, the questions veered off into a new direction. Maybe it is time to embrace the fact that I’m human, completely not alone in my struggles? Maybe it’s time to honor that I was made to carry this weight, because god believes I am strong enough to push through, and when I can’t, it will be carried through the help of others. I am no exception and neither are you. Even if you don’t believe in the standard idea of “god”, and in truth my faith wavers, but it is undeniable that there’s a force so strong that enables life to go on regardless of how much it hurts. It is in the reminders of every day life, small and big moments, and even when we don’t notice it, it’s there waiting for you to be inspired by. Until you are able to recognize your worth and the life you deserve, keep searching for those signs, and keep trying, again and again, regardless of how heavy it feels, it will alleviate and hope will return. I truly believe that. It’s not simple or easy in any way, but I know when real living returns, I will share my story in completion, because I’m ready to give back through offering hope and lessening the weight in others’ lives just has the world has done for me, and is still doing everyday that I fight. I promise to keep dancing, my hope is that others will join me on this journey too.
